I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write today, only that I wanted to on what would have been my Mother’s birthday. Actually I’ve just realised her 70th birthday, wow, for some reason that hits me harder.
As the sunshine so through window of the little village coffee shop I’ve sought out, I’m filled with warmth and so much emotion, yet calm. Even though the feelings are raw and far from dealt with after 2 years, I am sure that the calmness, the ease at being with those emotions even when they are painful comes from taking action.
Those actions may only be small like wearing Mum’s rings close to my heart or leaving home for my afternoon appointment earlier so I can find this little place, alone, anonymous with a book and my iPad, BUT it’s for me. Sending my brother a hello text, arranging to eat out with my family and Dad tonight, that’s all good too. But if there’s one thing this all too common cancer tragedy has taught me along with the development work I’ve taken on since is just how important it is to ‘be with and not ignore how you are feeling’.
I’m not spending hours agonising over why, how, what if. I do still have flashes of anger, it’s not fair and tears. But that’s ok and all part of being human. What I do believe has helped other than those who care, those who are there and life doing what life does to distract you is taking to the keyboard.
I would never have blogged, tweeted or written a book (if I ever pluck up the courage to show anyone the later) until I found help in the written word when Mum became ill in those final 5 months.
So on your birthday Mum, when I take a moment just for me (but share it with those who know me already or get to know me a little more each time they read) I want to say thank you, I love you and while I miss you so so much, I am grabbing life differently & know you are watching over us. xx